Julie Trepanier

I AM : Acknowledgement  

I am 20 years old forever clinging on to whoever welcomes me. A pair of open arms will open my heart. I grew up neglected. Forever last in my mothers eyes, even after a man who beat her senseless, who destroyed her ambitions, dream and hopes of a perfect family. I was no more important than the pet that wandered our house. I suffered silently for years, my behavior has lead me in dark places, and brought upon such horrible things girls should never suffer. ( molestation, rape, sexual assault) by friends. By family, by people I trusted. My insecurities brought upon me a hardship I thought I’d never be able to change. But here I am. Stripping myself – becoming vulnerable for you and them. To let you know that chasing after boys, for a sense of security and acceptance is a harmful way to live. 10 years of chasing after boys, being hurt- used , let down. . I’ve been taken from myself – for so long I was only a body . But now I am a human. A body with a story to tell – a body that has emotions – who wont be used or shamed for having breasts – or a feminine shape. I wont allow others to take me – to use me for their purpose. I am human – not a toy.

This is acceptance of what I am.

My past has ripped from me my security.

Nothing left but bones & flesh.

Vulnerability

I was left to “figure it out” & “watch myself”

Fight my Own battles - Endless.

So I stripped what was given to me.

I took off the shirt that covered my breasts, that covered my stomach..

I took off the pants that held in my dignity and respectability (As if I wasnt a human with a body)

I shed my everything,

my comfort zone collapsed to a pile of comfort bricks

in which I lay currently, unable to lift the limbs I was given for stability

I AM: Understanding

I AM: Comfort Zone

Falling into habits never got me far, scars show and they are the braille book to my life, each with a reason , each to help cope. It was never easy to feel safe - so baths have always been a go to - easy 20 minutes to feel , sit , think - the water therapeutic and the sounds of crashing water removed the thoughts of self medicating - So coping became harder until i would lay into the water hoping to drown falling back down, from the life I had rebuilt for the 3 times.  Day by day things have changed, and continue to flow in the proper direction and maybe one day I wont need a place to hold me up. and my legs will be able support the weight of my thoughts.

I AM: Hopelessness 

We walk around aimless, looking for answers, I scream for help after i’m in way to deep. When almost no one can help. When i lose my focus I lose myself, i throw my hands up and forget how stubborn i am because, i need help .

Its a sad cycle walking in circles because of a personality flaw that I cant fix. A permanent disability if you may - and my release is to rationalize it through words in hopes to connect with others - do you ever feel like you’re in an unbreakable cycle? You cant escape.

3 years I’ve been doing a routine, bouncing from office to office when i finally threw my medication out the window because pumping myself with ” Living-aids” is recommended by therapists and doctors. But when I feel like im slipping deeper into habits and living becomes to much - the fog takes over. So what? What happens now - Im forced into a depth of unsatisfied dreams because with cycles like this ill never finish anything I start. Whether it be school, a project, a job, I have no ambition. It goes round and round

and a dream to become someone fades into a blur.. because who am I?

What do I want - I want to be something, someone. I want to change something. I want to bring it upon myself but in a cycle where i lose myself so often - I have nothing , but scars & bad experiences ( so i’ve classified them) How could I ever help , make a difference - when i cant even end my cycle.

I dream of a passion filled career of writing and art - but I cant even have a passion . I’m dimmed by the fog, the un-clarity that is myself.

How can I advance when i’m stuck so far into the past I feel as if I cant rewire any of it. And it is how I will be.

When will I regain clarity and hope for myself -

when can i help, instead of be helped.

I AM: Insomnia

Insomnia at 4am reminds me that I'm human. The diagnosis are real and I can only escape a times of distraction. Once alone there are no options - there is the past the future. Anxiety of being someone or something. To live or to give up. I'm not wise or knowledgeble and I question my abilities as an artist at times too. So what is reality and truth ? Sometimes I feel my nightmares escaping from my head to become reality.